Recently, I have been wrestling with myself over several issues that I thought I had already resolved. Namely, self-hatred and self-deprecation. I thought I had healed and was moving on with my life. But they creep up on me when I least expect it. Some days, their voices are dark, evil, and easily brushed away as anti-truth. One rips and tears away at my heart, snarling and growling. It rushes at me violently and knocks me off my feet, leaving me lying on the dirty ground wondering what in the world happened. The other slinks in the back door like intruders most always do. It slowly creeps through my heart, shutting off every light, one by one, leaving me in total darkness. But other days, they come smartly dressed, knocking at the door and patiently waiting for the door to open to them. They look like politeness itself, never seeming intrusive or assuming. Innocently, I welcome them into my heart, allowing them to gain my trust until I hang onto every word they say, naively believing it all. By the time their true nature is revealed, they have become a part of me, and I cannot separate myself from them. They become oppressive and I do not go a moment without their voices speaking to me in the back of my head.
You are absolutely disgusting. Why are you even trying to look nice? It will never make any difference. You will always be hideous.
She isn't finding anything of worth in this friendship. She doesn't like you. You aren't worth her time.
Quit trying to be a good person. You will never succeed no matter what you do. Give up before you hurt more people.
And on and on they go. They never shut up, and I never stop believing them. They prevent me from doing the things I love, spending time with the people I love, and honoring the God I love. For years I have tried to fight the voices on my own. Sometimes I would be successful through convincing myself nothing was real, there is no reality, my self-esteem doesn't matter, I am just making the voices up, and a plethora of other ridiculous notions. Every once in a while I could go as long as a couple of weeks {almost} completely ignoring the voices. But in the end, they always came back, usually stronger than before. Only recently have I discovered an interesting pattern. Whenever I am in serious, concentrated prayer with my Creator, the voices are silent. I can still feel them at the edges of my mind, waiting for the moment I slip out of communion with Jesus Christ, but they say nothing.
My conclusion: God is not only God over the universe, but also the voices in my head. The voices are very much real, and every day I become more convinced that they are the Enemy's messengers, sent to tear me down and pull me away from the One who loves me enough to die for me. When I surrender myself to God's supremacy, I am giving Him control over every part of me, including my demons. And I have learned that demons flee at the sight of God.
~Michaela
